You might have the most heart-penetrating, hope-filled, gospel-saturated counsel for your teen, but if they’re not willing (or interested) in listening to you, what good does it do?
(Get a free study guide at the end of this post.)
Rick Horne (D.Min, Westminster Theological Seminary) has more than 30 years of experience as a guidance counselor in a Christian school setting. His goal in Get Outta My Face! How to Reach Angry, Unmotivated Teens with Biblical Counsel is to help parents and counselors establish a meaningful point of contact with frustrated, annoyed teens “who are not looking for help” (but desperately need it).
| Details | 176 pages, 11 chapters, introductory level |
| Topic | Angry, unmotivated teens |
| Audience | Those seeking to parent, help, or counsel teens |
| Should counselors read this book? | Yes. While the topic is counseling teens, the principles are applicable to any counselee. |
| Should counselees read this book? | If your counselee is the teen, then no, I would not recommend this book for them. If your counselee is the parent of a teen, then yes, this is a helpful resource that will introduce them to the basics of counseling, particularly listening well and affirming their teen as the parent moves from frustrated disciplinarian to loving shepherd and discipler. |
Summary
Horne’s approach emphasizes three key ideas, which make up the three parts of the book.
Part 1 seeks to help you understand your teen in order to better connect with them. The key idea here is that no matter how unmotivated the teen may seem, it is possible to identify and commend something of the image of God in their desires.
Horne calls these “wise wants” (45–46). He grounds the idea in the pleas of Proverbs that assume young people value things such as wealth instead of poverty (Proverbs 10:4) or respect and approval (Proverbs 12:8). The first step in reaching your teen is to show them that you recognize and care about what they value.
Now, your goal (to help them live a life that is pleasing to the Lord) may be very different from their goal (getting what they want in the easiest way possible). But that point of connection is very important in establishing a relationship where the teen begins to trust you and listen to what you have to say.
Part 2 focuses on the practical steps you take to make that connection and begin to counsel your teen in a way that leads to healthy solutions and, hopefully, meaningful heart change.
The key idea here is summarized by the acronym LCLP, which details each of the four steps in this process:
- Listen Big. Listening in a way that communicates to your teen that you hear their concerns and aren’t just waiting to drop adult knowledge on them.
- Clarify Narrow. Helping your teen see the good in what they want and the bad results that come from their current ungodly way of trying to get those wants.
- Look Wide. Exploring with your teen the ways they’ve seen success in the past and considering how they can apply those principles now and in the future.
- Plan Small. Organizing concrete, realistic steps your teen can take towards obtaining the outcomes they hope for.
Part 3 is the shortest section in the book. The final two chapters wrap everything up by considering, first, how you can keep things moving in the right direction, and second, how to point your teen to the cross.
The key idea here is that solving problems isn’t the main goal of establishing communication; rather, the main goal is to lead your young adult to the gospel as the source of true, lasting change.
Evaluation
Get Outta My Face! is far more focused on problem-solving than on the gospel and heart change. This is by design. Horne is aware of the specific niche he is trying to fill: In order to be able to talk to teens in productive ways about Christ and what the Bible has to say, sometimes you need to stop trying to shout through walls at each other and instead open the door to healthy communication.
As the author says in the preface, “This approach opens wide the door to evangelizing the unsaved teen and to helping the Christian teen grow in holiness and wisdom” (11). In other words, the book is not intended to be a holistic biblical counseling model for teens that encompasses conversion and sanctification. Rather, it opens the door for those things: “This book will teach you how to build a bridge to young adults…” (11, emphasis mine).
The focus of the book is simply how can you begin to communicate to an angry, disinterested, insecure, spiritually blind teen?
Some of his audience may not be working with believing teens (school guidance counselors), while others may need the help for themselves to be able to communicate with teens in a God-honoring way (parents). Whatever the case may be, Get Outta My Face! provides practical steps to move towards healthy communication with teenagers who often feel lectured by adults who do not understand them at all.
I read the book in spurts over several months, so I have to be honest and admit that when I got to the meat of the material in Part 2, I had forgotten the biblical foundation for the practical tips he was offering. I found the content of Part 2 very helpful, but wondered if this was anything more than communication advice with lots of stories and examples.
When I went back to the opening chapters as a refresher before writing this review, I was struck by his citations from Proverbs in Chapter 1:
- “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly” (Proverbs 15:2).
- “The wise of heart is called discerning, and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness” (Proverbs 16:21).
- “The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips” (Proverbs 16:23).
- “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).
These things are exactly what Rick Horne accomplishes in this book. He shows the frustrated parent or counselor how to commend knowledge, increase persuasiveness, and find words that fitting and judicious so that the teen in your life can begin to listen and appreciate the wise, biblical counsel you hope to bring.
Again, this is not a comprehensive guide to counseling teens. But it is a wonderful and theologically insightful tool to help the counselor “build a bridge” to their teen by listening for their “wise wants,” and using those God-given (though so often corrupted!) desires to lead them to healthy solutions to the conflict and frustration in their lives.
How to Use This Book
Here are my brief suggestions on how to use this book in your counseling ministry.
- Read it for yourself to grow as a counselor who listens well and to improve your skill at reaching teens or any closed-off counselee.
- Read if for yourself to grow as a parent of teens.
- Assign it as homework (one chapter per week) as you counsel a parent. The book is best used as a supplement to your primary biblical teachings on parenting, to provide a practical method for the struggling parent to begin to apply the breadth of what Scripture says about parenting in concrete, specific ways in their communication with their teen.