These marriage counseling questions will help any Christian counselor get to know the married couple, identify and isolate major issues, and walk with the struggling sweethearts through difficult conversations and towards a healthy marriage.
Questions for Marriage Counselors to Ask
The first step for every couples therapist or counselor is to get to know the couple. One great way to do that is by asking questions about each individual’s life, followed by more questions about their relationship and the problems that they face.
This series of questions doesn’t need to be asked in order. In fact, you won’t have time to ask all 100+ questions in the initial session or two. Pick and choose the ones that work best to help you understand the details of the couple’s unique situation.
However, the questions do follow a helpful and orderly sequence. I’ve designed this list to help you become progressively more familiar with the two people, on an individual level and as a couple.
Free: Download/print this biblical counseling resource.
See the end of this post for a printable download PDF with all of these questions.
Questions for Couples to Ask One Another
If you’re the one looking for couples counseling, you can also use the list of questions below to begin to talk to your spouse about the issues you face.
However, please bear in mind that marriage troubles and poor communication skills often come hand-in-hand, so please don’t try to self-counsel your way through this.
After all, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15), and “By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom” (Proverbs 13:10).
100 Helpful Marriage Counseling Questions
Questions for the First Session
“An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.” Proverbs 18:15
Every professional marriage counselor will begin by covering basic groundwork. Remember your goals for the first marriage counseling sessions are to get to know the couple, establish and build rapport, and provide biblical hope for the problems that they face.
Initial Questions
1. I’d love to help you however I can, but in order to do that I need to know some things about your lives. Do I have your permission to ask detailed questions, even about some things that may be uncomfortable?
2. Tell me yourself. What should I know about you? Give me the 10 minute version of your life story.
3. Tell me about your family. What was it like growing up? Do you still have a relationship with your father, mother, siblings, etc?
4. How and where were you educated – public, private, or homeschool? College, university, or trade schools?
5. What is your occupation? What other jobs have you had? Do you have any side hustles?
6. Tell me about your walk with God. Are you a Christian? How did you come to know Christ?
7. Can you tell me, what is the Gospel?
8. If you were to die today and stand before God, and he asked you why he should let you into heaven, what would you say?
9. What makes you happy? What gives you joy?
10. What makes you sad, anxious, or fearful?
Time & Influences
11. Do you read the Bible? How often? What does your time in Scripture look like?
12. Do you pray? When, where, and for what?
13. Do you go to church? What church? Are you a member? How often do you attend?
14. Are you a part of any small groups, studies, or ministries?
15. Are you close friends with anyone at church? Are you close friends with other Christians? Who are your closest friends, who do you spend the most time with?
16. Do you serve at the church?
17. Does your family do devotions or family worship together?
18. What are some of the biggest influences in your life?
19. What do you read, watch, and listen to?
20. What do you do in your free time?
21. Do you have any hobbies, follow sports, collect things?
22. What would a perfect day look like? The perfect weekend? The ideal vacation?
23. What do you hope your retirement looks like?
24. How do you want to be remembered by your family and friends?
Health, Diet, Exercise
25. Do you keep to a daily schedule? What does that look like?
26. How much do you sleep each night? Do you get up at the same time every day?
27. Do you exercise? What type, and how often?
28. Do you take any medication?
29. Do you have any diagnoses, physical conditions, or impairments?
30. Do you take any drugs? Do you smoke, or use energy drinks? Do you drink alcohol? How much?
31. What is your diet like?
32. How would you rate your overall health?
33. Have you seen a doctor recently? What did they say?
Marriage Relationship
34. How did you two meet?
35. How long did you know each other before dating or courting? How long did you date before getting engaged? How long were you engaged for?
36. How long have you been married? Do you have any kids? (Tell me about your children.)
37. How much time do you spend together? How much time do you spend apart from one another?
38. What does quality time look like in your marriage?
39. Do you do regular date nights?
40. Do you regularly get together to organize your schedules, finances, and family activities? What does that meeting look like?
41. Do you share any common interests? What are they?
42. How often do you two engage in important conversations together? What does that look like?
43. Do you share any common goals? What are they?
44. What is the best time you’ve had together?
45. What are some hard things you’ve been through together?
46. What is your role in the marriage?
Questions to Identify the Main Issues
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13
It’s important for everyone involved—the counselor, the husband, and the wife—to identify and address the most important issues in the relationship, and to do so clearly and honestly.
47. What is the main reason you are here today? What is the biggest issue you want to see addressed?
48. When did this issue start?
49. When this issue comes up, what do you say, how do you say it? What is your tone and volume?
50. How long does the argument last? How does it end?
51. What does it mean to forgive?
52. What is your priority when dealing with this issue? What is your goal, what are you trying to accomplish?
53. How did your family handle this type of thing when you were growing up? Do you see any similarities or differences?
54. Do you know your spouse’s perspective on this issue? Can you describe it to me?
55. What counsel have you received about this?
56. What does God have to say about this issue? What Scriptures do you think apply?
57. What do you think it takes to make a marriage work? What would it take to make your marriage work?
58. What disappointments do you struggle with in your marriage?
Questions About Past Conflicts
“The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” Proverbs 18:17
59. What other issues have you faced together?
60. What issues have you successfully worked through?
61. What unresolved issues keep coming up that you deal with on a regular basis?
62. What unresolved issues do you avoid, ignore, or try to stuff away?
63. Do you have any ongoing arguments or disagreements?
64. What time of day, day of the week, time of the month, or season is it when this occurs?
65. What makes you tense, frustrated, angry, or worried?
66. How does your spouse respond when you make mistakes?
67. What do you do when he/she makes mistakes?
68. How does this issue affect your relationship with God? Do you go to church, fellowship, read Scripture, pray, serve, etc. when these issues are going on, or when you have a bad day?
Questions About Communication & Intimacy
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29
69. What does effective communication look like in a marriage?
70. Who typically brings up issues for discussion?
71. What are some of the common arguments you have with your husband/wife?
72. What are some things that you both agree on?
73. Would you describe your sex life as satisfying? Why or why not?
74. What do you consider your “sexual needs”?
75. *How would you rate the level of intimacy (physical, emotional, spiritual) in your marriage?
76. *Is there anything you are afraid to share with each other?
77. When do you struggle with lust? Do you look at pornography? When, where, how often?
78. When do you struggle with bitterness?
79. When do you struggle with guilt?
80. When do you struggle with regret?
81. When do you struggle with envy? Do you look at ‘successful couples’ and wish your relationship (or your spouse) was more like that? What makes them successful?
82. When do you struggle with anger?
83. When do you put pressure on your spouse?
84. When do you withdraw from your spouse?
Questions to Promote a Successful Marriage
“Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33
For Christian counseling to be Christian, it must be biblical. Yet you probably won’t get very far by opening up the Bible and saying, “See, here’s what it says. Now go do it!”
One good approach is to ask the kinds of questions that help them evaluate themselves through the lens of Scripture.
The following questions can be useful in directing the couple’s thinking.
85. What is the first place you turn to when you experience conflict? (Heb 4:12)
86. What makes a good marriage? (Eph 5, 1 Pet 3, 1 Cor 13)
87. What is marriage, anyways? What is it for? (Gen 2:18–24)
88. Who designed marriage? What was God’s purpose in giving us the institution of marriage?
89. Why did God say, “It is not good that the man should be alone”? (Gen 2:18)
90. What does “a helper fit for him” mean? (Gen 2:18, 20)
91. What does “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” mean? (Gen 2:23)
92. What does it mean to leave your parents?1 (Gen 2:24)
93. What does it mean to “hold fast” or “cleave” to your wife? What does it mean that “they shall become one flesh”? (Gen 2:24)
94. What keeps you from experiencing this oneness?1
95. What are you doing to foster a stronger bond of one-flesh unity in your marriage? (Rom 15:2, Eph 4:25–32, Col 3:12–19)
96. How could the man and his wife be naked and not ashamed? (Gen 2:25)
97. What are some things you appreciate about your spouse?
98. What are some things you used to do for your spouse, but now you don’t?
99. How do you contribute to the problems that you’ve described? (Jas 1:14–16, 1 Jn 1:8–10)
100. How do you blame your spouse for these problems? (Gen 3:12)
101. How have you practiced repentance in your marriage? (2 Pet 3:9, 2 Chron 7:14, Mat 3:8)
102. How have you practiced forgiveness? (Mat 6:14–15, Eph 4:32)
103. How have you worked towards pleasing and obeying God in your marriage? (2 Cor 5:9)
104. What changes do you need to make? (Eph 4:22–24)
105. How does your agenda need to change?
106. How does your heart (your desires, lusts, wants, needs) need to change?
107. How will you work towards that this week?
Questions to Ask Regularly
There are two types of questions that you should be asking regularly throughout the counseling process.
The first type is clarifying questions. These should be some of your most common questions as they help you overcome assumptions and see the details with more clarity.
For instance, when a counselee says, “We argued,” what might that mean? For some, it could mean that they politely disagreed, and the fact that there was a disagreement was upsetting and troubling enough to call it an “argument.” Perhaps this disagreement was followed by a ten minute period of awkward silence, then they moved on to other topics.
But for another couple, “argument” could mean a three hour ordeal involving yelling and screaming, throwing things and flipping over furniture, name calling and accusations. Then she goes to her mother’s house for a few days to calm down, or he goes off on a fishing trip and skips work, putting the family further behind on their mounting debt.
Clarifying Questions
Can you explain what you meant by that? (“What do you mean when you say ‘lack of intimacy’ or ‘red flags’ or ‘trust issues’ or ‘bad phase,’ etc?)
Could you be more specific?
What were you hoping to accomplish by doing that?
How would you evaluate yourself on that issue?
Why was that important to you?
What does the Bible call that?
What do the Scriptures say about that?
Should I be aware of anything else?
X-Ray Questions2
The aim of this type of questions is to get at the counselee’s heart.
David Powlison says,
The questions that follow are ‘Why?’ questions, framed concretely as ‘What’ questions. These questions can help you draw out what gives specific direction to a person’s life. You do not see into anyone’s heart, but you can make intelligent inquiry into ‘Why are you angry? Why do you manipulate him? Why are you anxious in that situation?’ … The Bible—the penetrating and light-giving word of the Searcher of hearts—goes below behaviors and emotions in order to expose our motives before God.
As counselors, that is always our goal: To help expose the counselees’ often self-centered motives for them to see for themselves, that they may begin to see their need for a Savior who is committed to changing them.
This can only be done through the Word of God. These questions, which are from Powlison’s seminal book Seeing with New Eyes, can help lead you and the counselees towards God’s Word.
You may only want to ask such questions after walking through the Bible’s teaching on the heart. Whether you ask these particular questions directly to your counselees or not, it is important for you as the counselor to be thinking regularly about how to get your counselees thinking in these terms.
What do you love? What do you hate?
What do you want, desire, crave, lust, and wish for? What desires do you serve and obey?
What do you seek, aim for, and pursue? What are your goals and expectations?
Where do you bank your hopes?
What do you fear? What do you not want or tend to worry about?
What do you feel like doing?
What do you think you need?
What makes you tick? What lights up your world? What really matters to you? What are you really living for?
Where do you find refuge, safety, comfort, escape, pleasure, security?
Whose performance matters? Who can make your world better, make it work, make it safe, make it succeed?
Whom must you please? Whose opinion of you counts? From whom do you desire approval and fear rejection?
What do you see as your rights? What do you feel entitled to?
What do you want to get out of life? What payoff do you seek out of the things you do? What do you get out of doing that?
What do you think about most often? What do you talk about? What do you pray about?
There are more questions in Powlison’s book, which is well worth your time to read.
He concludes, “Any of these… questions can be asked directly of a person in this or an appropriately altered form. But they are not always questions to ask directly. Sometimes it is better simply to listen and observe, sorting through the fruit in a person’s life for the patterns that might indicate the heart’s functional commitments.”
More Resources
Free printable version of this list of questions:
For David Powlison’s X-ray questions, get his book Seeing with New Eyes. Those same questions are also reprinted in Tripp and Lane’s How People Change.
At the Biblical Counseling Institute, Dr. Ab Abercrombie has a wonderful article on asking questions that require a biblical response.
Dr. Bob Kellemen of RPM Ministries has a helpful list of five questions to ask a first time counselee, which he has put into worksheets for individual, family, parenting, and marriage counseling settings.
Footnotes
1 From Strengthening Your Marriage by Wayne Mack.
2 From Seeing with New Eyes by David Powlison. “X-ray Questions” is his term.